Stephen Pollard • What a load of rubbish

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June	25
2006

What a load of rubbish

» Posted on June 25, 2006 06:53 PM » Category: Footie

What a hilariously bad performance from England. Scraping through thanks to a free kick against that footballing giant, Ecuador. Can we please, please, stop the hype. Anyone who thinks England stand a chance against a decent team needs to be sectioned.

The defence is comically bad, but then Rio Ferdinand has always been preposterously overrated. Any so-called 'cultured' defender - someone who doesn't just hoof the ball out but passes it to a midfielder or even, wonder of wonder, runs with it himself - is fogiven the fact that he can't defend. Rio manages netither to defend nor pass. But he's 'cultured', so it's fine.

Ashley Cole had a good game, for which due praise, but John Terry was the plodder he always has been. Brute force works in the Premiership, but at international level when that's your only skill, you get found out pronto. As for Hargreaves; poor dear, it's not his fault that he was asked to play at right back. He did the best he could.

As for the midfield - where were they? Cole seemed like he'd rather be doing anything than playing for a place in the Quarter Finals. Gerrard had an off day, which everyone has sometimes. Carrick did as well as anyone could as the holding midfielder, but with no defence or attacking midfielders to link to, he was stuck. And Becks...well, if I could score from free kicks, I'd add as much to the team as he does now. The man is past it. Sven might not be engaged to him, as he put it last week, but he certainly seems irrationally besotted.

As for Lampard: is it not now plain to everyone that he is the most overrated player on the planet? Second in the world, according to FIFA. Come off it. Just like the USA are the 7th best team in the world. So he's had more shots than anyone else in the tournament. Big deal. So could I have done if they'd stuck me on the pitch. The fact that not one has gone remotely near the goal surely has some salience? Drop him. He might be good for Chelsea, but he's never been anything other than a total waste of international space for England.

Robinson looks as though he's scared witless that he might make a mistake. Every time the ball is near him I start to think 'maybe James should be playing', which surely says it all, given that James is worse than useless.

Rooney of course is exempt from this criticism. The man is breathtaking.Every piece of hyperbole attached to him is merited. It's not his fault he's playing for a joke team.

In Lennon's 10 minutes he did more than most of the rest put together. But heaven forbid that Sven might actually play him from the start.

My favourite moment though was Garth Crooks' interview with Becks. With the England captain having been seen by the entire nation spewing the contents of his stomach onto the pitch, Garth asked the one question that didn't need to be asked: "So David, it looked as if you were being physically sick. Were you?".

Still, at least now that watching England is out of the way we can revert to watching decent football. Portugal v Holland is a mouthwatering prospect.

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Comments

Rooney isn't fit to wear an England shirt. Mediocre at best, foul-mouthed, spiteful, petulent, a disgrace.

And he looks like he's swallowed a wasp.

Stated by: William on June 25, 2006 9:24 PM

Alas, Holland vs Portugal was not what Stephen and the rest of the football-loving (as opposed to blind-England-supporting) world wanted. A hilariously awful game. Given the amount of Portuguese players suspended/injured for the next game, the English will probably win. Sven is the luckiest man alive. A free pass to the World Cup Semi final, when a team that went out in the first round such as Ivory Coast or the Czech Republic would have slaughtered them. With this luck, Argentina's entire squad will probably succumb to food poisoning after beating Germany, all the Italians will be arrested, having beaten Brazil off the pitch the Ghanians will have Portugal-like suspensions for the entire remaining world cup and France and the Ukraine ... well the two teams left as dull as Sven's will probably roll over and die for the sake of their exemplars.

Stated by: the revenge of the mac on June 25, 2006 11:17 PM

"Brute force works in the Premiership, but at international level when that's your only skill, you get found out pronto."

I'm not sure what "international level" is, because most teams in the World Cup are significantly poorer than any premiership side.

Stated by: Ross on June 26, 2006 1:16 AM

'La Sexta, the Spanish terrestial channel covering 'El Mundíal', actually has Terry in its 'World Cup 11'.

On World Cup performance so far we're definitely the weakest team left in the comp. It will be staggering if we get through against Portugal.

What is mystifying about Sven's squad is his forward selection. What is Theo Walcott doing there!!!?? If he was worth his selection why hasn't he been put on yet, given the dearth of forward selection we now have? And what the heck were Defoe and Wright-Phillips left at home for?

You slag off the likes of Lampard Mr Pollard, but make no selection as to who should have been in his place. Overrated I would definitely say, but still very good. A lot of what you said was just intended to provoke. Had you been drinking?

Stated by: hippiepooter on June 26, 2006 10:26 AM

I am lost in admiration for you. It takes an extraordinary level of self sacrifiice to sit through 90 minutes of an England football game. To emerge with ones powers of articulation intact rather than as a blythering moron is remarkable (did you know that most England fans have PhD's from our leading universities and only became the way they are after exposure to our national team for prolonged periods). Still Wimbledon starts soon - Ah joy.

Stated by: Rob on June 26, 2006 10:27 AM

I am beginning to feel sorry for Gordon Brown. By the end of this competition, not even us English will be England supporters. He'll even more stupid then won't he.

Stated by: Serf on June 26, 2006 11:05 AM

"He'll even more stupid then won't he"

Just a thought: if an accusation of stupidity is to carry weight, the accuser should probably try to avoid making three basic errors in the relevant sentence.

Stated by: staticsquid on June 26, 2006 11:53 AM

Ah, Holland v Portugal. Drool drool. Total football!

Stated by: Bob Doney on June 26, 2006 12:44 PM

Good post, Pollard. Granted, your prediction of football heaven from the likes of Holland and Portugal was a bit off, but with 16 yellows, 4 reds and a few handbags you just can't argue at the entertainment on show.

Anyway, roll on August, the Premiership and watching the Arse up the Emirates.

Stated by: Pete_London on June 26, 2006 3:58 PM

HollandvPortugal was the match of the tournament so far. It had passion and drama and a crowd baying for blood and sacrifice. It was gladiatorial. It was Rome. It was men. England have no men.

A.Fedora (Associated Press)

Stated by: vamos a la playa on June 26, 2006 6:15 PM

Portugal v Holland - sport for people who don't like sport.

Stated by: Will on June 27, 2006 5:00 PM

Just wondering, does Theo Walcott have an attractive mum?

There must be some reason for his inclusion as he's obviously never going play football.

Stated by: Rich on June 27, 2006 5:50 PM

According to the "experts", Germany played badly last year and reached the Final. We are playing worse than Germany so are probably going to win it.

Stated by: hippiepooter on June 29, 2006 12:36 AM

England went into this tournament as usual with the media and fans spouting victory before a ball was even kicked. England is not a world class team, but something parochial with outsize dreams. Everything has been blown out of proportion by the media, making them all like heroes from a Greek epic. We were promised a great performance and its been crap. We were promised goals and the few there's been seemed to have slipped in almost by accident. We were promised the terror of Europe (lol) Wayne Rooney, who's likely to be more famous for his broken foot at the end of this than anything else. Sven is struggling to do anything with this bunch, just as they are struggling to deal with even the most mediocre of opponents. But England's still the best, yeah? And then we woke up.

Stated by: Thormod on June 30, 2006 2:46 PM

Stated by: Thormod on June 30, 2006 2:49 PM

Having said that, England will probably win against Portugal by default, since Portugal has been seriously decimated by that over-zealous referee in the Holland clash. If they DON'T win under such circumstances, then they really are crap.

Stated by: Thormod on June 30, 2006 3:06 PM

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