I've only just caught up with Sunday's 'The Ethical Awards 2006' special issue of the Observer Magazine. I find it hard to believe it's not a parody.

I'm sure the mag must have been secretly sponsored by Global Capitalism Inc, since I've yet to come across anything more likely to drive any traces of 'green'ery out of my mind and make me run round the flat turning on all the lights at midday, run my tumble drier empty and rush out to buy a patio heater.

In one section, somone called Lucy Siegle visits a series of celebs to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they can live more ethically. I assume she stepped in when they realised GE Moore wasn't available, being dead.

First off is Paul Abbott, the writer of Shameless:

One bonus of the large house is that it comes with a large garden, and Saskia is already using this to good effect, growing potatoes, runner beans and flowers (cut flowers air-freighted from Kenya to the UK last year were responsible for 33,000 tonnes of CO2 emissons) with a separate area for composting. I do notice a number of common-or-garden pesticide and herbicide weed killers, which are confiscated.

My main concern, however, is transport. The Abbotts are a four-vehicle family, owning a people carrier, a BMW , a new Volkswagen Beetle and a diesel Golf. And, unsurprisingly for a TV writer and producer, the house contains two fully equipped offices and a number of TVs - often left on standby. Added to this a tumble dryer (one of the world's most energy-intensive domestic appliances) working overdrive, and it seems the Abbotts are using a large amount of needless energy.

Ms Siegle's criticisms clearly carried weight with Mr Abbott:

After my departure, Paul spends the rest of the afternoon re-setting the digital appliances I have unplugged by way of demonstration on tackling the standby question...

Next up is a TV presenter, Sarah Cawood:

For a flat in north London, TV presenter Sarah Cawood's house smells strangely intensely of fruits of the forest. I later discover that this is courtesy of 10 plug-in air fresheners (and a box of spares kept in the cellar, presumably for fruits of the forest emergencies).

But that's the least of it. Far, far worse, is that she has bought clothes from - ugh - high street shops:

Appearing on The National Lottery on BBC1 twice a week, Sarah also requires a lot of outfits. Her approach to fashion seems very level headed: 'I try to keep things for years, and am slowly moving away from the mainstream high-street stores because I don't think the quality is all that good.' This is fortunate because the continued emphasis on quick, disposable fashion hardly make the high-street chains angels of sustsainability.

She should make her own.

Best of all, though, is Ms Siegle's critique of the actor Julian Rhind-Tutt:

Sadly, it's too late to influence the paint choice - I would have gone for a water-based eco paint, but the decorator has already chosen the standard mix of VOCs (volatile organic compounds) that contribute to indoor air pollution and come with a heavy eco rucksack (they are polluting and water intensive to make) - however, there's still time to advise him on the flooring. Fortunately, Julian is quite keen on a natural carpet, rather than a petroleum-based, nasty nylon carpet that off-gasses xylene among other substances, but he draws the line at good old sustainable coir on the grounds that it's 'too hairy'.

Pathetic. Why should he have comfort in his home, when he could have 'natural'.

As for his cardinal sin: shower gel:

It's not a terrible crime in the greater scheme of things, but he's guilty of falling for big-brand names and marketing hype pushing ever more complex mixes of non-degradable synthetic, petroleum-based chemicals. It takes about 800 years for a standard shower gel to degrade (losing all its constituent chemical parts).

Don't you just love that smug, "guilty of falling for big-brand names".

The final suggestion, though, is simply genius:

To sever Julian's dependency on the internal combustion engine,

[he owns a Merc]

I prescribe him a Segway - the world's first self-balancing, electric-powered transportation machine.

It's a genius idea. There's just one small problem:

...at least for now, the Segway cannot legally be driven on public roads.

There were two more, but I couldn't face reading them. So instead I went on line, logged in to Ocado, ordered 12 shower gels, and booked a delivery slot, at a time - very early on Sunday morning - when I hope no one else in the area will be receiving deliveries, so the van will, if I've planned correctly, be making an otherwise unnecessary journey.

And it's all because of your piece, Ms Siegle.