...don't be helpful.

Here's what can happen to you when try to do a favour to a stranger.

I was walking along the street this morning, when I saw a lorry smash into the side of a parked car. And then - as is their wont - drive off. So I wrote down the lorry's registration number, and the name and phone number of the company written on the side of the lorry, and left a note on the windscreen of the parked car. And I also left my phone number should the driver want to call to have described what happened.

Ten minutes later, the phone rings. "Are you the owner of xxxxxx (reg number)?"

"No, I was passing buy when I saw it being hit so I left the note from which you have got my phone number."

"We need the car moved. It's on a yellow line and it shouldn't be here."

"Well I'm sorry, but it's nothing to do with me. I was a passer by and I have no connection with the car."

"If you don't come and move it we'll call the police."

"I have nothing to do with the car. It is not my car."

"Of course it's your car. How else did I get your number?"

"I was passing by, saw it being hit, and left a note for the owner."

"You are the owner."

"No, I'm not, and I am going to put the phone down now."

Which I did.

Ten minutes later the phone rings again. This time, it's the owner of the shop outside which the car is parked (I have no idea who the first person was to whom I spoke). We then have almost exactly the same conversation. And at the end, he says "Come and move your fucking car or I will smash into it myself." I then explain for the umpteenth time that I have no connection with the car. To which he then replies, "Right, that's it. I'm going the police now". And puts the phone down.

I cannot imagine what delights now await me. Kafka, eat your heart out.