November 30
2004
Ouch
» Posted on November 30, 2004 10:20 AM » Category: General

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. (Yes, I know it's implausible, but read on...)

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"


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When Osama bin Laden arrives in Heaven, he will be greeted by a group of Founders.

Gen. Washington will say: "Sir, I presume you are but a visitor here; and I cannot conceal that I most heartily reprehend your part in the destruction of lives and property in our republic. But I avow that if my countrymen had heeded my valedictory admonitions not to form alliances and play favourites with foreigners in parts of the world far from our United States, your resentment of their interference in your lands would not have been aroused.

"And so I pray that Almighty God will show Americans the wisdom of attending to their own affairs and letting others, be they Christian, Jew or Mahommedan, attend to theirs."

To which Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton and the rest will chorus "Amen".

Stated by: Albion4Ever on November 30, 2004 4:08 PM

Randolph, not Rudolph. Nice bit, though.

Stated by: S.Y. Silverstein on December 1, 2004 3:07 AM

Albion4ever - Smashing, your joke is much funnier than Stephens.

Stated by: Christopher Price on December 1, 2004 9:28 AM

"Albion4ever - Smashing, your joke is much funnier than Stephens"

It would have been far funnier I suppose had the U.S. taken that advice over sixty years ago and not rescued a laughably incompetent and amateurish Britain from the jaws of defeat for the second time in twenty-five years. Certainly, had I been alive at that time, and if it not been for the millions of Jews in Europe, I would have lobbied for America to forget about Britain and Europe and turn her attentions to the far more pressing matter of Japan. "No two nations more deserved each other," I would have argued, "than Perfidious Albion and Nazi Germany. That these two arrogant, racist thugs, who have created so much misery around the world in more or less equal measure, should be joined together for all time is most appropriate."

Stated by: Uncle Sam on December 1, 2004 11:30 AM

For a similar joke see at:

http://majorityrights.com/index.php/weblog/comments/87/

Stated by: flemishlion on December 1, 2004 2:41 PM

Here's a good one (for Talmudic scholars only)

The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught
me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very
much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the
Talmud."

The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a
Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the
Talmud."

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach
him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree
to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of t! hose
two goes to wash up."

"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash !
up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed
in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one
looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up.
The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that
he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me,
please, another question."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the
chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these
two goes to wash up?"

The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at
the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty
one, o! n the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is
also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again . I told you
that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees
that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one
looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."

The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that
there is a mirror there."

The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with
your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According
to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."

"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once
more. Ask me one more question."

For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through
the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out c! lean. Who of
these two went to wash up?"

"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there
the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also
dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the
clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not
go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into
the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will
look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore
go to wash up."

The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in
understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me,
how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to
come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"

Stated by: Martin on December 2, 2004 10:49 PM
Stated by: gwheg on March 16, 2006 3:27 PM
Stated by: art on April 13, 2006 8:07 PM
Stated by: bundlebox on July 15, 2006 11:13 PM
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