June 23
2003
It isn't sport, it isn't fun and it's archetypally suburban. Oh, come on, Tim... (The Times)
» Posted on June 23, 2003 03:00 PM » Category: General
So here it is; the fortnight from hell. If the weather's halfway decent, we?re stuck with wall-to-wall coverage of the most boring game ever invented, played by the most boring athletes, watched by the most boring audience, interpreted by the most boring commentators.

And that's when it's at its best. It's even worse if it rains. I have only two words for you: Sir Cliff.

There are few more depressing representations of modern Britain than Wimbledon fortnight. A soporific sport watched only by catatonically dull suburbanites, who think they are getting down and dirty when they squeak ?come on, Tim? when their hero chokes on yet another critical point, tennis could have no more apposite home than Wimbledon.

It is, after all, the ultimate suburban sport. Everything about it apes the suburbs. Second after minute after hour of buttock-clenching numbness with nothing happening except the occasional grunt, frowned upon by everyone within earshot. Strict codes of what is and isn?t acceptable to wear ? and that just for the spectators. Blazered administrators with monikers such as ?Bunny? and ?The Major?. Players who have to sit down for a tea break every ten minutes. And the most exciting, mysterious aspect of the sport is the scoring system.

The long rows and rectangles of tennis courts are even designed like suburban housing, with suburban rules ? if you go outside your designated area you will suffer the consequences. Is it any wonder that tennis attracts such square, suburban types, when its very basis is squares and rules about what can and can?t go into which one?

Then there are the players.

Tim. I mean, Tim. Has there ever been a more appropriate name for a tennis player than Tim. Try yelling a full-throated ?come on, Tim?. See what I mean? It's not possible. You have to squeak it in a shrill whine, which says all that you need to know about the man himself. For four years he has got into the semi-finals, an oh-so-typically British performance: far enough not to be humiliating to his fans but, in the end, completely useless. To winners, the only thing which counts is, well, winning. Not coming fourth.

And Mr Henman ain?t no winner. Put him under real pressure ? not the faux pressure of winning a third-round match against an Ecuadorean with a broken leg and his hands tied behind his back, where he manages a plucky win after trailing 2-5 in the final set ? and he chokes. Put him in a match where he might get into the final, and it's a giant waste of everyone's time.

We all know what will happen this time. Exactly the same thing ? if he even gets as far as the semis. It?ll be Henmania until, ho hum, he gets bundled out. And that?ll be that until next year, when it repeats all over again. You might say the spectators never learn, having been through the same script four times already. But that's to miss the point. Of course they never learn, and of course the same thing will happen this year. That's because tennis is the sport for people who don?t really like sport, and Tim Henman is the icon for supporters who don?t really like to support, but who think they do.

A genuine spectator sport arouses passion ? a word which jars with the mention of tennis. Not the uptight, ?can you pass the cucumber sandwiches? Oh, all right, then just one more strawberry? passion which the spectators in London SW19 think they are feeling, or the ?heh, let's hang loose and be really uninhibited by watching the match on Henman Hill? passion of the rest, who worry that they might turn into tennis hooligans if they drink all of that can of shandy.

I can?t help the fact that I support Spurs. I can?t do anything about the fact that at the end of every season I say I?m not going to renew my £750-a-year season ticket because the team is crap and we are going nowhere, and yet every year I nonetheless write out that wretched cheque. I don?t decide that it might be fun to go to a match. I have no choice but to go. It's in my blood.

What else but a player who cracks under pressure can one expect from a sport which goes out of its way to be as exclusive as possible; whose players? backgrounds mean they have never come across the concept of hunger for success; which draws its recruits only from people whose want-for-nothing upbringing would have led them, if they had the brains to do so, to take advantage of their opportunities and go into a professional job, but who are indeed intellectually challenged and so become tennis players; which excludes recruits from families which aren?t ?our sort of people?; and which is run by an organisation which is called, in a glorious example of newspeak, the All England Club?

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Comments

On 23 June Stephen Pollard wrote a richly sneering piece in The Times about Wimbledon, tennis and Tim Henman (R Cubed News 66). In his by-line he described himself as a senior fellow at the Centre for the New Europe, so clearly he was claiming to represent their views in general if not in detail. On the 30 June in Times 2 this obese man gloatingly described a collation he had consumed including 14 glasses of wine, 3 ports and 2 whiskies (R Cubed News 67) During this time, the Centre was and is appealing for funds so on 26 June R Cubed launched the Pol-Pot-o’Lard luncheon voucher appeal to keep the Senior Fellow eating and drinking in the manner to which he is accustomed. We regret to announce that no contributions have been received to date and the appeal has therefore been closed. However, recent photographs of Pot-o’Lard in The Times show clearly that his double chins remain in full bloom and his neck is absent, so reports of his pending demise through lack of sustenance are clearly premature.

Stated by: Ian Senior on September 15, 2003 12:31 AM

I am the man who accused Stephen Pollard of deleting my riposte about his Times piece sneering at tennis. I am glad to know that my comment is still available but I can report that within minutes of its appearing on his blog site it had been buried, like Jo Moore's bad news, somewhere in the site's innards.

Now that Stephen has kindly unearthed my comment I invite readers to look at it to decide whether it is defamatory to play back to Stephen the menu that in another Times article he described enjoying and to refer to his then obesity which he himself described in a piece extolling the Atkins diet. Both Stephen and other readers may also wish to refer to back-numbers of www.rcubednews.com which refer to his articles.

I suspect that Stephen is a sensitive violet and I shall monitor carefully how long this comment remains visible on the site before being buried with other bad news.

Ian Senior
Publisher and editor, www.rcubednews.com

Stated by: Ian Senior on November 17, 2004 12:00 AM

Ian, I cannot see the point of your comments. Stephen Pollard may be provocative at times but he is no 'sensitive violet' and as far as I can see is far too liberal in allowing personal insults against himself in his comments section. So he enjoys the occasional glass of wine or whisky while his organisation is appealing for funds? Big deal. If it is at all an issue - which I cannot see, I must confess - he at least publishes the full details for everyone to see. I would not defend Stephen Pollard on everything but this criticism is grossly misguided.

Stated by: Jonathan Lockhart on November 17, 2004 12:34 AM

Jonathan

You fail to see the aim of my comments last year about Stephen Pollard's obesity. (In fact he has lost a lot of weight since he went on the Atkins diet.)

The point of my attack was to be as vicious as he was in sneering at Tim Henman who he described, among other things, as someone who is capable only "of winning a third-round match against an Ecuadorean with a broken leg and his hands tied behind his back, where he manages a plucky win after trailing 2-5 in the final set". Henman has won, I think, 11 ATP titles including a Paris Masters. He is currently seventh in the world.

At least my piece about Stephen Pollard's obesity was based on facts, unlike his remarks about Henman. Interestingly, Stephen Pollard's contribution to the seminar before I intervened, centred on the value of fact-checking. My facts about Stephen Pollard's weight and eating habits were sourced from his own published articles. His words about Henman were sourced from his fertile imagination without reference to facts. But he publicly declared he was lazy about fact-checking, so we should not be surprised.

The purpose of my words about Stephen Pollard, then and now, is to "do unto critics (which includes Stephen Pollard in this context) as they do unto others." The fury that this has aroused in Stephen Pollard suggests that he does not care for it.

Ian Senior
Publisher and editor
www.rcubednews.com

Stated by: Ian Senior on November 17, 2004 11:51 AM

Jonathan

You fail to see the aim of my comments last year about Stephen Pollard's obesity. (In fact he has lost a lot of weight since he went on the Atkins diet.)

The point of my attack was to be as vicious as he was in sneering at Tim Henman who he described, among other things, as someone who is capable only "of winning a third-round match against an Ecuadorean with a broken leg and his hands tied behind his back, where he manages a plucky win after trailing 2-5 in the final set". Henman has won, I think, 11 ATP titles including a Paris Masters. He is currently seventh in the world.

At least my piece about Stephen Pollard's obesity was based on facts, unlike his remarks about Henman. Interestingly, Stephen Pollard's contribution to the seminar before I intervened, centred on the value of fact-checking. My facts about Stephen Pollard's weight and eating habits were sourced from his own published articles. His words about Henman were sourced from his fertile imagination without reference to facts. But he publicly declared he was lazy about fact-checking, so we should not be surprised.

The purpose of my words about Stephen Pollard, then and now, is to "do unto critics (which includes Stephen Pollard in this context) as they do unto others." The fury that this has aroused in Stephen Pollard suggests that he does not care for it.

Ian Senior
Publisher and editor
www.rcubednews.com

Stated by: Ian Senior on November 17, 2004 11:53 AM

Dear Mr Senior

Thanks for taking our minds off the troubles of the world, if only for a few enchanting seconds. Keep up the good work.

Best regards

Bob Junior

Stated by: Bob Doney on November 17, 2004 12:55 PM

Dear Mr Senior,

You need a better hobby.

Regards,

Mark

Stated by: Mark on November 17, 2004 1:30 PM

I think the defamatory aspect that Stephen Pollard is concerned about is not that you described him as an obese gourmandiser, but that you apparently labelled him a hypocrite who isn't prepared to tolerate personal criticism of himself on his site. And that appears not to be true.

Incidentally

(1) Tennis in the UK is a pastime for prep-school losers like Timmy

(2) Even among the pompous, orotund, flatulent posters to this site, your contribution stands out as exceptionally leaden and witless.

Stated by: strobe on November 17, 2004 4:17 PM

Well, I like tennis but as for Tim Henman - I dislike his attitude. I dislike his speech. I dislike his tennis.

I'm vagually glad he keeps losing. I contemptuous of his idiotic pride (I'd perhaps forgive such wish as he has for 'mastering your opponent' if at least he was any good). I suspect those things about tennis (and about himself) which he adores are exactly the things which keep him down.

As for Ian Senior, you seem all too intent on finding bad reasons to insult good people. Rather obsessive too.

Oh well, whatever keeps you happy.

Stated by: Hmmm on November 17, 2004 11:01 PM

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